MOMMY MONDAYS: GENDER DISAPPOINTMENT (GUEST BLOGGER)

This week’s MOMMY MONDAY comes from guest blogger, Amber. Amber ,who is currently  pregnant with her 1st child, wrote in to share her personal story of Gender Disappointment, something that I know many woman have experienced. Read Amber’s story and then my commentary to follow!

From the time I can remember wanting to become a mother, I always imagined having a daughter. I have 3 sisters, 4 aunts and most of my closest cousins are women. I’m comfortable with women. I know all the tricks of the trade – from hair, to clothes, to dealing with guys.

Fast forward to late September of last year, after a weekend trip to NYC, I found out I was pregnant. My initial reaction was one of surprise, joy and fear. Would I be a good mother, would I have a healthy child, would I still be able to maintain my current lifestyle?  The thought of having a son never crossed my mind. Yes, I was aware of the statistics. There was a 50% chance that it could be a boy. I just knew in my heart, I would be blessed with a daughter.

Twenty-one weeks into my pregnancy, it was time for the much-anticipated anatomy scan. It seemed like this day took forever to arrive. I positioned myself on the ultrasound table and felt the warm gel on my belly. About 5 minutes into the scan, the nurse beamed with excitement saying “It’s a boy!” I countered her response with a legit blank stare.  I double checked the screen to be sure the man parts were there. They were.  And honestly, I tuned out the rest of the ultrasound.

On the way home, I was completely silent. My husband knew I was upset, but kept quiet. When he left for work, I broke down. I’m talking tears on top of tears! I didn’t want to share the news or talk to anyone. I felt like a horrible human being for even being this upset. I didn’t want anyone to think I was ungrateful for this blessing inside of me, especially after suffering a miscarriage 2 years prior.

In between breakdowns, I visited some of the popular pregnancy message boards to figure out if I was totally out of my mind for feeling this way. The term “Gender Disappointment” came up in all of my searches. I wasn’t alone!  There were SO many women out there who were going through the exact same thing.  After a few days of “dramatics” as my husband calls it, I began to feel normal and even excited about meeting my son. I emailed a girlfriend of mine who is pregnant with her second boy. She revealed that she felt the same way when she was pregnant with her first.

I talked to God and realized perhaps the world needs my son to be the next MLK, Ben Carson or Barack Obama. Maybe my husband needs a son more than I need a daughter. Now, I feel so grateful that I will have the opportunity to raise a respectful, intelligent, hardworking black man. We all know there is a shortage.

For my mommies-to-be who are wrestling with this issue, I would encourage you to pray about it and talk to some of your girlfriends who have sons. If you’re still having trouble getting past the disappointment, get help sooner than later.  Here’s to toy trucks and superheroes instead of attitudes and tutus!

To a degree I can relate to this. During my 1st pregnancy I really wanted a girl. Like Amber my family is mainly women, BUT my husband was one of 3 sons, so even though I wanted a daughter, from the day I found out I was pregnant, in the back of my mind I knew it was a boy. After it was confirmed that I was indeed having a son I was very excited to meet him…to see what he looked like, to be able to raise a man, but apart of me was like, I am a girly girl. What are we going to do together.

I never went through the “dramatics” as Amber’s husband called hers. I didn’t cry or anything and immediately shared to everyone I was having a son. But like I said, I kind of already knew so maybe I had already prepared myself for it. In Amber’s case I don’t think it was “dramatic” at all. When we reach a certain age, most of us have a pretty ideal vision of the life we expect for ourselves, from careers, to homes, cars and even the gender of our children, so being highly disappointed when that image changes is understandable.

Amber went to google and found that there were thousands of women who are or have been exactly where she is, that in itself is comforting. “I’m not alone.” But if you are pregnant and experience “Gender Disappointment” and after a few days or weeks you’re still feeling very sad or mad about it I would suggest therapy sooner rather than later. Pray about your blessing that is on the way. Pray for their health, pray that you are able to provide for them the love they deserve. This is your blessing, no matter the gender.

I am now the mom of  both a son and a daughter; I have the best of both worlds. I love going outside running around with my son, watching him at his football games and going to see action and Super hero movies. I guess I’m not the girly girl I thought I was. But for the part of me that still loves everything sparkling, I have my daughter now, I love shopping for her and dressing her up. I can’t wait for cheerleading and ballet and tea parties! They both bring me so much happinesses but in completely different ways!

And remember if baby number 1 isn’t that girl or boy you hoped it would be, you can always try again!!