Kandi Burress wed her boo Todd, despite the VERY adamant cries from her mother. Mama Joyce made no bones about how she felt. She didn’t like Todd from the beginning. He handled it well enough, in the end he married Kandi and hopefully her mother will back off, but what if she doesn’t? How should you deal with a meddling mother-in-law?
Usually it’s the mother of the groom that has a problem with the woman her son chosen. Many women see the other woman who has their son’s affection as a threat. Instead of embracing the woman who loves, tolerates and cleans up after the monster SHE created… the soon to be mother-in-law somehow, sees that woman as the enemy. That’s a tough hurdle to overcome.
I have a friend whose boyfriend’s mother won’t even acknowledge her…I mean walk in a room and look through her. She treats her like she’s invisible and he allows it. There is no reason for the foolishness, other than the fact that my friend has the attention and affection of her son. Instead of embracing that, she hates it. After years of this abuse, my friend treats her the same way, invisible. But it causes such a strain on their relationship… She isn’t able to do most major holidays with him. Her family lives out of town, so many times she’s able to use that as an excuse, rather than saying, I’m not trying it ruin thanksgiving by spending it with your evil mother… She isn’t able to do holidays with her significant other….no family functions, birthday parties, nothing. Her relationship with him is just that, a relationship with him. It works because they are enough about each other. But is marriage really an option if your “spouse” and your parents can’t sit at the same dinner table without World War III breaking out?
Experts say there are a few ways to deal with a parent in law who you don’t get along with..
First, understand their problem. (This may be hard if you’re not a natural born hater, but try 
) Many time issues arise because the parent feels less important to their child once a love interest comes into the picture. BE sure to stroke the parent in law’s ego. Make sure your significant other remembers the parent…plans for special occasions, checks in, etc. Many times the parent just doesn’t want to be forgotten. Sometimes it’s not that deep, you just don’t get along. Personalities clash sometimes for no reason at all.. you just don’t click. Just try to remain respectful and cordial.
Second, remove your emotion. It’s easy to get all worked up about the situation when you keep talking about it. When you expect too much , of course you’ll be disappointed. Just remove yourself emotionally and expect your parent in law to do what they’ve always done. Time is not going to change that. you will to be able to prove your love for their child no matter how much you bend over backwards. Act accordingly. She’s not your mother, don’t think of her as such or expect her to be. Period. Don’t refer to her as “Mom”, Ms. Darlene or even Ms. Jones if you want to further show your formalness. Be respectful but do not blur the lines of the relationship by giving it a title that is not fitting of the actions. Since you are not family, you are on equal terms as adults. Respect her as HIS mother, but remember, you are grown too.
Third, she is not going to change. An old dog doesn’t learn new tricks. Mama Joyce has never changed her stance on Todd…even after the wedding, she was still giving negative feedback. She didn’t care how she looked on National television. It didn’t matter to her that it impacted her daughter’s relationship, in fact, she hoped that it did. She didn’t respect her daughter’s feelings enough to close her mouth. If the parent won’t change for their child, they for damn sure won’t change for you. Figure out how to deal with it, rather than trying to change it.
Lastly, set boundaries and remove yourself physically. If you know that your mother in law hates you, don’t being her presence when it’s not necessary. It’s okay to let your significant other have relationship with his parent without you being there all the time. (Remember that thing about not being joined at the hip?:)) Don’t drive a wedge in your relationship over her and do NOT make him choose. Just know that it may not be necessary for YOU to accompany him to his mother’s job’s Christmas Party…or her great uncle’s birthday. Allow her the chance to have a relationship with her son without you and vice versa. We all have limits, let him know yours up front, it’s up to him to make sure his family abides by them.
Communication is key but a tumultuous relationship with a parent in law can take its toll on any relationship. It take lots of love, patience and mutual respect to overcome that.
Kandi and Todd seem to have the love part down…hopefully they can overcome a meddling mother-in-law. IT’s up to Kandi to check her mom. The fact that she would make disparaging remarks about the wedding less than 24 hours after her daughter said “Til death do us part…” is disturbing. Let’s hope they have what it takes, and Todd is able to set low expectations, distance himself and set boundaries. We’d hate to see a beautiful love story end because her Momma couldn’t keep her mouth shut!
The world is watching is waiting… hats off to all the people in Todd’s shoes! It’s a tough position! Good Luck!
-Carrie B.